Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
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Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*