Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
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A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Vodka burrito was a success
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”