“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.