Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
You Might Also Like
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs