Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
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I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.