Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
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Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.