Cake safety first. Always.
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My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal