[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
fired
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Most fashion shows these days…
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.