calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
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Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
my mind
You just read my mind
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Sponch
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.