CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
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I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.