call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
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[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.