Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
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Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
and now we wait
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.