Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
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Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
who will stop them
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.