Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
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INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO