call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
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When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine