“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
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“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times