Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
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4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
thanksgiving in nutshell
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…