Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.


I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.


When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi


I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.


5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”


“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing


Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater


It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.