@envydatropic Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
@TheTweetOfGod Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
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@envydatropic 
@AtticusFinch79 [date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
@EwaSR it’s the silliest best thing
@SomeChrisTweets Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
@iAmDelFreaky Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
@crouton_futon “Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
@SteveSuckington [apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
@Kyle_Lippert You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
@marcusthetoken Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
@That_Damn_Duck My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.