Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Wednesday
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
3% human
97% stress
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened