Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
You Might Also Like
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Boom, boom, ching!
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Risking my life for fun.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.