Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
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ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman