Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
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If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
*looks at you in batman voice*
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat