Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
You Might Also Like
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
oh good, now I can stop drinking
brian had himself a morning…
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.