Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Follow me for more life hacks.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.