Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Dead sexy!!
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
drew a comic about my origin story