Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

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[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.


Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?


If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.


[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her


This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.


The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.


me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go