[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
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Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie