Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
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One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker