Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
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If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.