Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
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Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids