Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
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My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
oh my god
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Kermit goes Blue.