Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

I beg you to euthanise me

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.