Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
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me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police