Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday