@BoobzAndBrainz

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

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@topaz_kell

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

@ArfMeasures

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

@3sunzzz

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

@bonehugsnirony

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

@Pulse_NYC

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

@ericsshadow

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

@krisv_723

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

@PHDaniel_Street

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

@Book_Krazy

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT