“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
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People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
finally
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?