Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
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my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”