Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
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BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.