[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
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My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.