Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
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78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
*pokes sex life with a stick
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Seems a bit forward
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet