Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
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A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL