called in thicc to work this morning
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[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”