Called it
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conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.