Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Duck typos.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.