called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
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Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh