called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
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“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while