Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
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Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up