@_NikSpace

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

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@T_Bonezzz_

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

@Midgetspar

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

@bitchisagenius

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

@NikatNiteNite

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

@SteveDutzy

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

@philmann

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

@AnkCoupleTO

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

@2tickytacky

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*