@_NikSpace

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

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@noog

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

@iwearaonesie

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

@michaeldean0116

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

@IamEnidColeslaw

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

@samalmightysam

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

@mrtruthandsoul

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

@DaddyJew

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

@LeonEarlgrey

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

@Bandersnaaatch

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.