@_NikSpace
@T_Bonezzz_ Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
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@T_Bonezzz_ 
@Midgetspar I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
@bitchisagenius My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
@IamEnidColeslaw WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
@NikatNiteNite Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
@Lisa_Laughs_ I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
@SteveDutzy Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
@philmann DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
@AnkCoupleTO [almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
@2tickytacky Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*