Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
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me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
this is literally a CIA plant
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Fluff me with a fork baby
Solving a traffic jam
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.