[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
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This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.