Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
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Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I bet cats are pissed they can鈥檛 sit on televisions anymore.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i鈥檓 sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
If robots are so smart, why can鈥檛 my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like 鈥渁re u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all 鈥渋 only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Mike Tyson鈥檚 apartment building
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I really had high hopes for this year though
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
馃懡Hey aliens, Since you鈥檙e in the area can you please come get me? I鈥檝e got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.