calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back đ
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Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
âew what is that?â is my childâs adorable way of asking whatâs for dinner
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I have a divorce case where Iâm seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying âOK love you bye,â they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
Weâll see whoâs overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least Iâm well-rested garbage.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled âchicken breast!â
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet itâs so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Gonna call faux pockets âfauxcketsâ because itâs close to the expletive I use when I realize theyâre fake.
My son: I need a nap, Iâm so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didnât sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldnât sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a CafĂ© with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.