*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
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still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Your honor these allegations are
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.