[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

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ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else


DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.


Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?


Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.


[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado


Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ


I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.


The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.


ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.


Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days