[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
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When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.